Love. Twenty. Love.

I had a fantastic birthday. Thanks, everyone :]

Nowhere to hide.

I was itching to leave but I made myself stay
Out of love for the Father and faith
In a day when the pain in my chest, the sinking
sand hole, would be cleared by the man I met
2 years
2 months
and 12 days ago.

Make me uncomfortable.
Keep me uncomfortable.

The light from above, an unnatural glow,
Shines through my skin and bares
My soul to the audience watching
(How did they know) - I am not really worth it
I wasn't
I'm not
I won't
Go away.

Make me grow.
Keep me with You.
Let me praise You with my life.

Technology works for me.

You might think it sad (more telling of your character than mine), but the next best-thing-in-my-life is a thirty minute long YouTube video of rain falling with occasional thunder. When I listen to this I am able to concentrate, I feel better, I smile. God gave creation as an expression of His glory and God gave YouTube that I might experience it while in the desert we all know as Los Angeles. I suppose LA has expressive qualities of its own, I just miss those of the Land of Port. You feel me?

Google did not pay a ransom for my soul.

The conversation over dinner this evening wasn't exactly light and fluffy.

Pray for Brad.

Tonight I experienced the Lord in a way that I am not sure I ever have before.

Natalie and I met up to work on some homework and were considerably less productive than usual (we are typically pretty focused when it is just the two of us). As we joked and teased, people-watching and scenario-hypothesizing, beside us sat a man who looked too old to be an undergraduate student. I imagined him to be a graduate student who had taken a few years off – a husband and a father of a 7-year-old child named Henry (trendy but classic) – and, in my ego-centric nature, I figured that the endless giggling that emitted from Natalie and my table was annoying to him. I apparently couldn’t be more wrong.

Brad is a businessman who graduated from Biola a number of years ago. He “fell away” from his faith and has proclaimed atheism for the past three years. Recently, in a state of frustration and hopelessness, Brad prayed to the God that he didn’t believe in for proof of His existence in the form of the counsel of another. While sitting on a park bench the very same night of the prayer, a man approached Brad and told him that he felt compelled to tell Brad a few things. This random man was a follower of the Lord and attributed this compulsion to God. The man then proceeded to tell Brad things about his life that the man had no way of knowing – the man spoke truth (hopefully) into Brad’s life and the experience has caused him to reexamine his beliefs. Fast-forward to tonight: happening to be in the area, Brad decided to go back to his alma-mater to do some work and reminisce about the days when he felt sure, when he “knew it all.”

This is where we found Brad: sitting in a comfy chair that faced the table where Natalie and I did very little homework. Out of some mutual overhearing of a rather amusing conversation, a conversation was struck up between Natalie, Brad and myself. Wasting no time at all, Brad relayed to us the circumstances that I described above and, as was CLEARLY the work of the Holy Spirit, words and encouragement began to pour out my mine and Natalie’s mouths. We were empowered by the truth of what we had to share and I personally found myself completely unafraid of boldly speaking truth to Brad. We told him to cling to what was tangible, to what he knows about God. I encouraged him to pray for God to show him the Truth. I advised him to read the scriptures with an open heart. We discussed humility and pride, life and purpose, pain and love. We discussed these things openly, boldly, and freely. In remembrance of this, all I can think is that God is so GOOD! I have never in my life felt so comfortable in sharing truth – especially in public and especially with a stranger. Brad admitted that he knows a decision must be made, that certain truths cannot be ignored and that the conversation that he had with us made him uncomfortable because it made him think.

How wonderful is it that we have a God who will not allow us to become comfortable in inactivity while we seek His face?

Praise God for the work of the Holy Spirit. Praise God for opportunity. Praise God for the environment of Biola University. Praise God for the salvation of our souls. Praise God for growth, for learning.

Praise God.

Matthew 6 as Art.

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I can't sleep.

I am writing this from an Ipod touch. It is very modern of me. Or something. I don't know how to feel right now. That is a lie. I know exactly how I feel, it is just that it isn't very pretty. I am trying to trust God with everything that is happening: I pray that hearts will change (mine included); I pray for peace; I pray that His will be done; I pray for acceptance and that my heart will desire this; I pray for safety and that He will be with her always; I pray these things with Phil's "Heaven Song" on repeat. I pray these things through Los Angeles rain in a bed that isn't mine with an old friend in a bed nearby.

I am scared. Psalm 42.