Today I read this poem.

Today was like sweet vacation nectar and, oh, every drop was savored. Cass and I rolled out of bed and went to the beach with her lovely mother. We ran a bit but mostly enjoyed the time before making a quick stop at the weight room and proceeding to the pool. I learned to do laps and sat in the jacuzzi and laid carelessly in the sun. I burned. I love it. We bought burritos and watched two and half episodes of Law and Order. We bought coffee and ate spaghetti and almost did Yoga. God has blessed me with a day of rest and I am working to remain fully in that rest. Rest in who He is and in who He created me to be.

And today I read this poem:

You Are Tired (I Think) by e.e. cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

- e.e. cummings

Return, O my soul, to your rest

I really don't like the title to my last blog. I couldn't think of an appropriate title and I read that line in a book. Doesn't it seem like it is trying too hard? Who knows what I'll title this puppy - hopefully it'll be something a little less predictable.

This morning I went on a run near Sass' father's place. It was a path that overlooks a canyon and feels pretty desert-y. In fact, I only got a couple minutes into it before I stopped because I could hear a rattling over John Foreman's sweet singing in my ear bug. As in snakes. As in snakes that rattle and are called rattlesnakes. I mean, truly, it isn't a big deal. Rattle snakes exist in this part of the world, especially in a city protected habitat (think the "wetlands" in east Gresham surrounded by suburban homes) and are a part of everyday life. Of course, that doesn't mean that every time I heard a rattling I didn't whip my head in the direction of the soft and slithery din and pick up my pace. One wonderful part of my little adventure, however, was coming to a high point in the path where I could overlook the canyon. It was absolutely beautiful in a small and unexpected way.

And now, I am sitting on a back porch that overlooks said canyon from a different angle. It is welcoming from this lower, less threatening perspective and I am rather partial to the clear blue of the sky and the duller green of the canyon. It is a different beauty. Beauty changes, doesn't it? Finch is across the world experiencing the beauty that man created and appreciating the rolling of a river that is beautiful mostly because of the experiences it has had: how many have joined in its current in search of success, new life, love, fortune, war. We read about people in history books but they are not people unless we pluck them from our minds and from the prison of words on a page and deposit them in a certain place under a certain occupation with certain hopes and dreams and values. Oh, drink it in!

I looked in my journaling Bible for scripture pertaining to "rest". I was inspired by a hymn written in 1876. The words were written by Jean Pigott and they resonate clearly and loudly in my soul.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,

In the joy of what Thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,

And Thy beauty fills my soul,

For by Thy transforming power,

Thou hast made me whole.

I also read Hebrews 4:1-13. I felt understood for the first time in a long time this morning. I think it was the lack of "go, go, go, be, be, be, fix, fix, FIX!" that has echoed in my mind for weeks and weeks.

So, after an easy, unhurried morning of sleep, exercise, food, Jesus and (finally) a shower, I find it is afternoon and time for a jab at some homework. Cass will return soon and I will see more of her world this evening.

And bursting forth, a light so pure...

  In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was in the beginning with God. ³ All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. ⁴ In him was life, and the life was the light of men. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it


John 1:1-6

                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                              

                                                                                                                                                 

I want my life to be about choices, not languor.

"If we feel that any habit or pursuit, harmless in itself, is keeping us from God and sinking us deeper in the things of earth; if we find that things which others can do with impunity are for us the occasion of falling, then abstinence is our only course. Abstinence alone can recover for us the real value of what should have been our help but which has been an occasion of falling...It is necessary that we should steadily resolve to give up anything that comes between ourselves and God."


-W.R. Inge

It comes with the territory.

I am tired. 

I am getting up at eight to work this body. 

I wish I hadn't seen what I saw tonight.

Actually, I just wish I could fast forward a tiny bit. The bulk of it has passed, but I still have a bit of a pride mess to clean up. Okay, "a bit" is an understatement in the grand scheme of Sarah, however, in regards to the issue at hand, I know that I am just a little windex away from a fresh, clear perspective. I can feel it. Hopefully no birds will die when my heart is healed. #windexcommercialscreepmeout

And I don't even tweet.

Go Dove.

I must become less.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:8-10

My nerves are slowly calming.

Welp, I'm all interviewed up. You should have seen me marching through campus to the SUB in borrowed wedges, hair parted to the opposite side: I was a regular Rory Gilmore out to make her big impression! "Hello, World (please don't reject me)." Whatever they decide, God is in control.

Having returned to my room and stripped of all things professional, I am now strung about the futon lamenting the Melville, Russian, Feminism and Acts that will occupy the remainder of my day. I wish I could rewind this weekend and find where all the time was hid away. Maybe I'll find it in my dreams? Sleep is not to be avoided. How long will my "I just really don't want to get sick" excuse hold up? Probably not much longer. I'll have to take advantage now:

Hey, well I would love to write some more but I am feeling a bit tired. Cass has been sick, you see, and I just really don't want to catch what she has, so...I had better take a nap.

Just fall asleep tonight.

I avoid an awful lot.

This is becoming increasingly clear. Relationships, conflict, stress...I've somehow come to believe that the best way through is around. The best part is that this isn't who I thought I was: "Communicate, communicate!" persuades Sarah, oh so persuasively. But look! Is that not she taping her mouth and sneaking out the back door? Wouldn't it be easier if fraud were observable to the unobservant eye?

I think I'll change the name of my blog from "mildly aware" to "not the least bit aware." It's got a ring to it.

I'm sure you've already picked up on this, but I avoid these things in an attempt to avoid the pain, embarrassment or discomfort that they often include. In other words, I am a wuss. Or I'm smart? Or not. I bet your thinking to yourself, "Now wait a minute, what is this gal talking about? She seems a little mixed up!"

Yes.